Red Sneaker - Blog of Brian Matthews

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Telemarketer

Friday, May 2, 2008 |

The phone rings.

?Hello, my name is Cynthia and I am calling to ask you about the magazines you are receiving.?
I politely respond, ?No thank you. Please take me off your calling list.?
Cynthia: ?Sir, this will take just 5 minutes of your time.?
Me: ?No thank you.?
Cynthia:?But sir, this is valuable information to help you get more blah blha blha blah blah blah blah.?
Me: ?No thank you.?
Cynthia: ?You don?t understand sir, you have to answer these questions about your magazines?blah blah blha blah blah?
Me: ?No thank you?
Cynthia continues to blurt out more and more aggressive tone trying to convince me that I will spend any more time on her.

*click* I hung up.

Less than a minute later?she calls back. I didn?t answer.
I think I was trying to hard to be polite. I guess I have to learn to answer the phone, ?I?m in a terrible mood. Talk at your own risk. ? and then promptly hang up.

Brian "Dial Tone" Matthews

High Gas Prices--I have a theory!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 |

High gas prices.
I think that spending more on filling up my vehicle than I spend in dental insurance every year is how the dinosaurs (and prehistoric vegetation) thumb their collective noses at us.
The more I think about it, I honestly think this is a conspiracy by the dinosaurs to bankrupt modern civilization. "Let's see who likes cognitive thought now" they might have said.
"Everyone----let's all die mysteriously and then slowly become a non-renewable form of energy that all their little cars will use. Then Just when we have them in our pockets (assuming that dinosaurs could be fitted for clothing that could have pockets), the price goes sky high."
It's brilliant.
So I say the only way to combat high gas prices is to boycott dinosaurs.

Brian "Awesom-o-saurus" Matthews

Mother's day ideas

Monday, April 28, 2008 |

Mother's Day is less than 2 weeks away and I'm sure you have yet to plan anything for it.
This is where I come in.
Top 10 last minute gift ideas for Mother's Day
10. A Potholder made from your MDU bill and scotch tape.
9. Go for a walk in a residential neighborhood with a bag of doggie treats--come home with Mom's new puppy.
8. Print out a photo of mom--add a bottle of glue, 3 hours of your time and a box of Rice-a-roni and you have a hand-crafted work of love.
7. Take her out for matching tattoos. Yours will say "Mom" and her's will say something like "Disappointment"
6. Let mom relax for the entire day. Treat her to a day of your specialty--Ham and cereal toast sandwiches.
5. Sit her on the dryer and have her feet in the washing machine. Add some Calgon and turn it on "Delicates". Tell her it's like being at a spa.
4. Renew her subscription to Woman's Day, the National Enquirer, and Big Studs magazines.
3. Bring her all your grocery bags and empty Cool Whip containers. She seems to like those.
2. Double her dose of "Back medication" and watch for fun.
1. Don't correct her when she calls you "Bobby" or "Abraham".

Brian "Thank Me Later" Matthews

Tip Card Idea

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 |

I am getting cards printed up so I can leave them with every tip at a restaurant. I feel it?s necessary. Here is what it would say:

To whom it may concern;
Thank you for your kind an generous service. Despite what you may believe, it was greatly appreciated. I wish to convey my level of satisfaction with the significant gratuity I have left for your enjoyment. Please, go have fun with these funds. Perhaps rollerblading, watching a movie, or even going to another restaurant and having someone wait on you for a change. I insist.
I must apologize for my behavior. I?m sure I was cynical and possibly even a little uncouth. I regret terribly the way I may have interacted with you or possibly the other patrons of the establishment. If I raised my voice and referred to a patron or passer-by as ?Baloney Boy? or ?Cheese Brain?, I am dreadfully sorry. If I sent food back because of a pickle on the plate, please understand that I am not allergic to pickles as I stated earlier. In fact, I am just a picky eater. If you walked the plate back, removed the pickle and then redelivered the plate to me?shame shame on you! Were you trying to kill me? You had no way of knowing that I was not truly deathly allergic to pickle juice. I could have sued you and this entire restaurant! Luckily I am just finicky. No harm no foul. Let?s not let this happen again.
Yours truly,
The pickle juice guy.

Brian ?I could swell up? Matthews

Sick Mama

My beautiful wife is sick. Groggy, icky, plumb snaggly. She deserves a sick day, but as a stay-at-home mom, her co-workers won?t allow that. Our 8-year old just had two teeth removed---one had a root so deep, I wondered if it was a structural part of her skull. Thankfully her pain was dulled by some ibuprofen and a visit by the tooth fairy. I wonder if there is a ?Sick Mom Fairy? who goes from house to house leaving big boxes of soft tissue and NyQuil under pillows.

Brian ?Fan of the Stupid Husband Fairy? Matthews

Happy Birthday Red Sneaker!

Red Sneaker?the blog-- is officially 7 years old today.
It?s hard to believe that it?s been 7 years of writing which contains no usable information at all. If I were in the future hundreds of years from now and I came upon the last 7 years of Red Sneaker blog posts I would think people were crazy and that the height of intelligence was a list of fake names to use during prank phone calls (i.e. Hu Phlung Dhung).

Well, in celebration of this blog?s birthday, I am sporting my red sneakers (like I do everyday) and I?m going to buy them an ice cream cake. Since no one else writes for the blog, I?ll go ahead and eat the entire cake by myself followed promptly by a celebratory groan and administration of antacids.

Happy Birthday, Blog O? Mine!

Brian ?Proud Blog Papa? Matthews

Super Heros

Friday, April 18, 2008 |

Here are some of my favorite super hero names that would never make prime time.

Elvis the Bugman
SuperGerald
Bendy knuckles woman
Only-works-on-Fridays Man
Velcro
Minty Armpit man
Not-so-Minty Armpit man
Wheezy
Kankles
Euripides
Flotsam & George Jetson
Bangkok Burl
Phlegmbo-the super hero who rides on his own phlegm.
Judy the Mistress of Silly Putty
Harem Phil
The Mighty Correlater
Pickles of Nebraska
Geraldine of the Jungle
Flippy the Flapjack
Bonzo Chlamydia
Super Amish Lady
Jasper Jell-o
Orange Peel Hippopotamus
Allergic Man
The Terrific Masticator and his sidekick Chewy
Mudslide Melvin

Brian ?Boy Blogger? Matthews

What if?

If I were in a horrible accident, had a body part removed and could receive a bionic replacement, what body part would I want?
After much thinking?and giggling, I?ve decided on my left thumb so I would never have to worry about hitting it with a hammer ever again. Plus I could use it during the holidays to crack mixed nuts.

Brian ?Thunder Thumb? Matthews

A test of Self-Esteem

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 |

I heard that a way to tell if someone has good self-esteem or not is to compliment them. If they make an excuse or brush off the compliment, they may not have the best self-esteem. Likewise, people with the healthiest self-esteem will simply accept the compliment.
I have spent the last week paying people compliments in my research. This is what I?ve found:
10% of the people accepted the compliments without a problem.
30% made slight excuses like ?Oh this old thing??
55% made excuses like, ?Are you blind?? and ?What do you want from me??I have no money?
5% have been following me home at night, peeping through windows and been found sleeping in my flowerbeds.
There was a 5% margin of error.

Fully Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy---wuz he?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008 |

This weekend, I was in a store?s fitting room. It doesn?t matter what I was buying except it had nothing to do with stretch pleather or Speedos. So there I am in this fitting room which sports several full-length mirrors. I take a look at the possible purchase and then notice I can see my entire back. I recognized the person except my father?s bald spot was in an area that I distinctly remember having hair. There it was. My wife had never said anything; my hair stylist had never said anything. What is going on? Am I going bald? Am I destined for the ?Horseshoe? hair style? I looked closer. Sure enough, the troops are thinning and I can see the turf. I now have a decision to make.
Do I take the prudent course and wait and see how it goes and possibly lose my hair gracefully. Or, do I take out a second mortgage and massage potions and salves into my scalp in hopes my hair grows back. All because I am vain?
Or, do I shave my head and have hair tattooed on?

What will I do?
I?m wondering if they could tattoo a convincing pompadour.

Brian ?Hairless? Matthews

Cute as a bathead

Annabelle, who is now 5 years old and cute as a button, comes up to me the other night, puts her hands up to her face like ?Home Alone? and in a slurred British accent says, ?Sharon! I?m so confused!? Ladies and gentlemen, my daughter just did an impression of Ozzy Osbourne that I could recognize.

Brian ?Blithering Idiot? Matthews

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