Red Sneaker - Blog of Brian Matthews

______________

brainwashingmachinegun
Add Yourself to my Map

Visit bismanphoto
Check out BisMan Photo

-Chat with me-

-Archives-
______________

-Counter-

-Ads-
______________
Click these to help support the blog!

An Open Letter to NBC

Friday, August 31, 2007 |

Dear NBC,
My name is Brian. I have enjoyed NBC for many many years. The Cosby Show, Alf, Days of Our Lives, etc. I've loved them all. I even stuck with you through the ?Blossom years?. When you announced you were offering episodes of NBC shows on iTunes, I was elated! My favorite network (appropriate for all ages) on my favorite source for digital content, iTunes. It was a beautiful relationship. I missed an episode of ?the Office?, I paid $1.99. It flowed effortlessly onto my video iPod.
Now today, NBC announced it was not going to have it's TV shows on iTunes any longer. I imagine they gave Apple a stern look, grabbed their TV shows and marched home to play with them by themselves. $4.99 for an episode that I can watch for free. That's what NBC wanted to charge. Thankfully, Apple disagreed. I hope someone brought up ?The Mike O'Malley Show". That might help NBC put things back into perspective. Sometimes bad decisions are made (?The Mike O'Malley Show"), but they can be fixed if you come to your senses (?The Mike O'Malley Show" was canceled after the first episode).
Don't make me bring up ?Riptide?.

Brian "$4.99 for an episode of ?She's the Sheriff?" Matthews

E-mail me!!

Sports!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007 |

It isn't apparent if our children will be into sports or not. If any of them decide to join ?organized sportsology?, they may have some adjustments to make. See, I am a sore loser and I cheat.
I imagine one of the kids at a basketball game arguing with the referee that, ?The team who calls 'Dibs' fastest gets possession of the ball?. Or ?The tallest guy gets an extra shot on a miss.? Possibly the ugliest confrontation will be the first time they win a game and find out that the losing team aren't forced to do the dishes for a week.
Brian "Innocent" Matthews

Inversion Therapy

Sunday, August 26, 2007 |

I get a kick out of the commercials for ?Inversion therapy?. I hear it cures all kinds of ailments. Bunyons, weak ankles, hiccoughs? I relied heavily on ?Inversion? all through college. Of course I relied on two large football players to hoist my up by my ankles. Plus, once I got use to the toilet water, it wasn?t so bad. Actually, I think it cleared up my acne.

Brian "Inverted" Matthews

One-Liner

Friday, August 24, 2007 |

Did you hear about the upholsterer who was in a horrible accident?
He's fully recovered.

Sabrina's Broken Arm

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 |

Sabrina fell and broke her arm this afternoon. Sabrina use to be this little blue-eyed baby girl that could lay on my lap outstretched while I blogged. Now she's jumping onto and off of "Thunderdome".
After my wife carried her home and went to the clinic, the doc was preparing the sling and cast. My wife catches Sabrina's eye, which wasn't crying any more. Instead it was quite different. Jen asks her how she is doing and our little princess responds with a sly smile, "This is kinda fun." Little stinker.
Brian "Look At Me, I?m Injured!" Matthews

Disclaimer

In the last ten years I've been blogging, I've received thousands of e-mails. Typically they are all quite positive. Some even suggest titles for children's books like, "Strangers have the Best Candy" and "Daddy's New Wife, Steve." Then there are a few that creep in from people who think I am a soulless scoundrel who's only intent is to harm others and make jokes about poo. I can whole-heartedly say, almost 90% of that is untrue. After consulting the well-weathered Red Sneaker legal team, I have this disclaimer that will be invisibly attached to all past and future blog posts.

"**DISCLAIMER**
Red Sneaker is a blog. It is not endorsed nor does it's author, the venerable dashing and somewhat spongy Brian Matthews, endorse any specific item. Red Sneaker is a blog. It's not a magazine, newspaper, or other esteemed form of publication typically known for accuracy. Brian lies. If you find anything written in the Red Sneaker blog appalling or inconceivable, stop reading. Do not stare. Immediately close the web browser window. Red Sneaker is not cute. Red Sneaker is not relevant. Read blog entries at your own risk. You may find something amusing. Brian cannot be held responsible for painful moans and groans at bad puns or sad sad attempts at humor. If you live in Canada, Red Sneaker may be full of "humour".
Proceed at your own peril. Do not remove this tag under penalty of law. Don't run with scissors. Gratuity is accepted."
Brian "Goofus Emeritus" Matthews

On the Hunt

Monday, August 20, 2007 |

I've never hunted. At least not in the sense that folks around where I live think of hunting. I rifled through box after box of stuff looking for that certain item. I have not buckled on the camouflage hip waders, blaze orange beanie and carried a shined steel weapon through thicket and brush. I can't even pick up a fish without squirming and making sounds made from a "Wuss Machine". I may never claim my buck, but I will spend a few to find the XXL footed pajamas with my name on them.

Brian "It's not an escape hatch" Matthews

Dental Visit

Greetings from the dentist's office. I'm in the "waiting" room awaiting my name to be called. The room is somber and the anticipation is thick enough to cut with a shiny dental tool. In the audible distance, I can hear the high-pitched sounds of tools working.
Must go to my happy place now.
I hope I get a sucker.

Brian "Sob" Matthews

Forever Furlong

I find that using unusual but real units of measurement in everyday conversations spices things up a bit.
Such as,
"Wow, it's a beautiful 294 degrees Kelvin today, don't you think?"
"It's been a while since I've seen you. Would you say 3 fortnights?"
"Could you bring me that book 4 cubits to your right?"
Better yet, combine the units.
"Yes officer, I know I was going 67,459 furlongs per fortnight"

Brian "Sarcasm is not a crime" Matthews

Hairy Knuckles

Friday, August 17, 2007 |

I have hairy knuckles. Maybe you prefer calling it, ?Mid-digital hair?. I?ve been contemplating this hair for a while. I understand that mammals have hair covering their bodies and the evolution?.blah blah blah. My theory is that humans retained this hair as a way to test if something is too hot. If it is too hot, the knuckle hair singes off.
Brian "Mid-Digital" Matthews

A visit from Ginger

Sunday, August 12, 2007 |

Mark is dog-sitting my in-laws miniature dachshund named "Ginger". This means that Mark must tend to Ginger's every need and clean up every.....uh....gingersnap. Since I want to make sure Mark earns that money, I've been leaving mounds of melted Milk Duds around the house. Hopefully Mark doesn't catch on.

Brian "Poo is funny" Matthews

Room Redecorating

Saturday, August 11, 2007 |

We redecorated Mark's room. He's had the "Pooh" room, the "Star Wars" room, the "Hot Rod" room, and now he has the "Rock Star" room. Complete with black lights, guitar, and appropriate wall decorations. Mark helped pick out the decorations. Oddly enough, he chose 5 different posters or sign involving Jimi Hendrix. Mark's room now seems like a temple to the left-handed guitar virtuoso. Being a music lover too, I was impressed by his taste until I heard him on the phone with his good friend Austin. Mark said something like, "...yeah my new room is cool. We just hung up some awesome posters of Jim Hendrick!"

Brian "Close by no Cigar" Matthews

Slippery When Wet

Wednesday, August 8, 2007 |

With all the water falling from the heavens, we once again have water in our basement. Oh joy! It seems that the only spot we hadn't properly sealed acted like a spigot for all the rain water to gush into our basement. How efficient.
Then my beautiful and eagle-eyed wife spotted something a-funk. Turns out water had gotten under our fairly new laminate flooring and was causing some "funk". So I tore into the flooring like a kid on Christmas Eve (because that?s how we roll on our holidays). Several armfuls and a bottle of bleach later, I was exhausted. Tomorrow we inspect and see if we need to purchase stock in Clorox. Cross your funky little fingers.

Brian "Funky Music, White Boy" Matthews

Bionic Woman

Friday, August 3, 2007 |

This fall, a dream is coming true. The return of "The Bionic Woman". It's been almost 30 years since television had proper representation from the Mechanical/American population. We must be heard!
OK, so I'm not a full mechanical/American, but one of my Great Grandmothers was a toaster.

Brian "POP!" Matthews

Hello, Good Bye

Thursday, August 2, 2007 |

Greetings from bed. That's right, I've got the laptop and some downy pillows. We are about ready to go to bed for the evening. It's been a long day. My toenails are even tired.
Tomorrow, Mark arrives back home to a new bedroom complete with lime green walls, new bedding, and his Xbox 360 that got a little extra wear while he was away. I blame the girls.
If we had an Xbox 360 in bed, I would never blog...among other things.
Brian "Nighty Night" Matthew

Top 10 things that changed from 3rd Grade to Today

Wednesday, August 1, 2007 |

Top 10 things that changed from the time I was in elementary school to now.

10.The Internet hatched and began growing like the "Blob". It hasn't taken over yet, but there are many people screaming and running away. Fear the blob.

9.Digital cameras. Once upon a time every picture you took was thought out and contemplated. Each image required precious film and when you only have 24 shots, you choose your time and subjects. Now digital cameras give us the freedom to take 3000 photos of our thumb on vacation without worrying.

8.Smurfs became extinct. Near as I can tell, Gargamel figured out that he can move stealthier in slacks than in the Friar Tuck robe he wore.

7. No one gets up on Saturday morning to watch cartoons any more because you can now watch cartoons 24 hours a day. Too bad about the Smurfs though.

6.No more music stores to spend time in flipping through records or tapes. I almost never find myself taking a chance on a new band because I liked their album art or band name (Thank you Butthole Surfers). Instead, I buy individual songs and then only if I know it. I think my sense of adventure is wanning.

5.Phones use to be tethered by a long tangled beige cord. The handset was heavy and could be used as a weapon if needed. Now phones fit in your pocket and don't hurt near as much when you hit someone with it.

4.Instead of 12 channels plus one HBO (with the giant switch box), there are now a bazillion channels including channels devoted to every niche under the sun. Plus there are channels dedicated to track those niches and which channels they are on. Did I mention that there are like 27 HBO channels and none of them carry Fraggle Rock.

3.Chalk boards became dry erase white boards and a generation of students will never know what it's like to clap erasers together.

2.Earphones shrunk in size. They now fit in your ear. My first headphones were the size of a watermelon cut in half for each ear. You could actually use the headphones as speakers in a pinch.

1.A kid use to be able to walk into a dimly lit arcade with a pocket full of quarters and be amazed by a blue line shooting yellow dots at the red line. Now every kid has a little box capable of rendering life-like characters who shoot little yellow dots at each other. No quarters needed.

Link to This Site