Thursday, September 27, 2007
Video Game Wishes.....Listen up, Mr. Game-maker
I would like to send this out to you video game creators. This is my perfect video game:
The game starts in a dark space. You move forward and look into a small pool of water and realize that you are a Neanderthal man (or woman). You can wander around learning how to make fire, make the wheel and killing mammoths and other large scary animals. Any object would be a weapon—if you can pick it up. As you do more, you gain more strength and stamina and dexterity. At the end of the first level—you die. The next level starts up and you are now “The Missing Link”. You go about an entirely new environment with entirely new abilities and weapons.
End of that level. You die.
Next level, you are an ancient Egyptian.
Etc etc
Die.
This goes on and on until the final levels where you are in present day and finally some short distant in the future when the humans only communicate via text message. OK, so that last part hasn't been worked out very well. But you get the idea.
So, have that game out for the Christmas season, Mr. Game-maker dude..
Brian "Wiz-bang" Matthews
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Monday, September 24, 2007
Column Day
Today is the day that my follow-up camping column was planned to be printed. “Column Day”, as it's become known in our house, is a little like a personal Christmas. I retrieve the paper from the front porch, unravel it and then thrust the photo of my red bow tie in the air while dancing in the living room. The children have grown accustomed to this behavior.
This morning, there was no dancing because there was no column. I sent it off a week prior as I usually do, but the paper is making changes. I got an e-mail that read:
“We’re re-doing things. I’m holding your column for now and will be in touch.”
I suddenly have a feeling like I'm waiting outside the school's principals office waiting to be punished. I wait patiently wondering what the verdict will be. Maybe I'll have to clap erasers, but with the advent of dry erase markers, that seems highly unlikely.
Of course my imagination is running wild. Did I mistakenly send them my Christmas wish list instead of the column? Did I upset an advertiser? Have I made up too many words?
I am anxious to find out.
By the way, I would like to say that I personally love all the advertisers in the paper. Every single one.
Honest. Truly.
Oh boy, I better get my nose ready to stand in the corner.
Brian "Anxiousified" Matthews
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Friday, September 21, 2007
Top Ten Ways you can tell the Osama Bin Laden video is a fake
Top Ten Ways you can tell the Osama Bin Laden video is a fake
10.That Turban screams “1985”
9. Repeated use of the words “Dude” and “Radical”.
8. Clearly visible mullet
7. Thirteen references to “Urkel”
6. Soundtrack stolen from “Porky's”
5. Refers to “Alf” as an “Infidel”
4. Beard obviously inspired by “A Flock of Seagulls”
3. The Six Million Dollar Man sound effects.
2. Ending every threat with, “NOT!”
1. Video released on BetaMax
Brian "Sleuth" Matthews
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Thursday, September 20, 2007
Top Ten Most Effective Ways to Discipline Your Teenager
Top Ten Most Effective Ways to Discipline Your Teenager
10.Take away his buggy privileges (for Amish teenagers only)
9. Make him watch Britney Sears perform on the VMAs.
8. Answer all his cell phone calls personally and relay that he can't come to the phone due to severe diarrhea.
7. Two minutes in a room with O.J.
6. Make him hold hands with you at the mall.
5. Take over his FaceBook page and post embarrassing baby pictures.
4. Make him be a little bit country and a little bit rock-n-roll.
3. Insist his teachers refer to him as “Schmooby”.
2. Take the wheels out of his tennis shoes.
1. No Youtubing after 3 pm.
Brian "Dr. Phil" Matthews
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Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Top 10 reasons why I would be a horrible General in the Army.
Top 10 reasons why I would be a horrible General in the Army.
10. Troops will find it difficult to execute my “Chutes and Ladders” plan.
9. Khaki washes me out.
8. Loud noises make a little pee come out.
7. Can't get that song, “War, what is it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again” song out of my head.
6. Team of advisors include a policeman, a construction worker, and an Indian chief.
5. Insist that Bobcat Goldthwait be a part of the strategy sessions.
4. Can't understand why the soldiers won't be issued light sabers.
3. Will try to liberate Wyoming
2. During inspirational speech, mention “going to your happy place” over and over.
1. Thought the policy was “Don't ass don't tell.”
Brian "Go Army!" Matthews
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School Lunches
Top 10 signs that your school lunch isn't safe.
10.All the Haz Mat suits
9. A new menu item, “Poodle on a Shingle”
8. You are talking to your friend Steve and the dessert quivers as if to say, “Yes, Steve. That's my name.”
7. The lunch room routinely has “Fear Factor” day.
6. You ask for seconds and the lunch lady says she can't under penalty of law.
5. Two words: Throbbing Jell-o
4. You find one of the dissection pins in with the toothpicks.
3. The lunch thinks you taste bad.
2. Spamcakes and Snausage.
1. If you spill water on the meatloaf, it multiplies.
Brian "Hungry?" Matthews
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Friday, September 14, 2007
Ponderous, man.
Why do they call it the roof of your mouth when really it's just the ceiling?
Brian "Tongueboy" Matthews
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Friday, September 7, 2007
Brett Michael's Rock of Love
I have to confess that one of my newest guilty pleasures is watching the reality show on VH1 about The lead singer of the hairband “Poison” looking for love. It's called “Brett Michael's Rock of Love” .
On the last episode I saw, one of the bouncy contestants got his first name tattooed on the back of her neck. I sat anxiously waiting for the tattoo artist to announce he had misspelled Brett's name after finishing the tattoo. That way the next week, the series might have made a subtle name change to “Breff Michael's Rock of Love”.
Brian "Tattoo me next!" Matthews
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Thursday, September 6, 2007
World News
One of the greatest opera singers has died, a philanthropist aviator is missing somewhere in the desert, and tropical storms are pounding tropical locations. What's on my mind? I want the new iPod. I think I may need professional help.
Brian "Wild World" Matthews
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Wednesday, September 5, 2007
When I think about you, iPod touch myself
Ladies and Gentlemen......my new object of lust.
The iPod touch.
UPDATE- Buy me one!
Brian "Sign me up!" Matthews
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