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PRESS RELEASE
Wednesday, October 31, 2007 |
Press Release?Brian Matthews Announces run for Presidency (PDF)
(get free PDF reader here)
Trip Home
Greetings from Gate C22 in the beautious Minneapolis/St. Paul International Airport. Please keep your bags with you at all times. Don't trip on the moving sidewalk thingies because it will make you look like a huge dorko.
I am sitting here at what has to be the smallest gate I've ever seen. OK, so the door and the counter are of average girth, but the seating allows for literally 12 people. No kidding. Well, this is the last flight of the night into Bismarck and it is indeed Wednesday, so maybe traffic just doesn't pour into the Capitol City on hump day.
On one trip out of Bismarck, I shared the plane with some of the crew of Antiques Roadshow. The PBS show that shows you how valuable that rare wicker spittoon is that Uncle Margie gave you after....the incident.
I overheard one of the crew members say something like,"Thank goodness we are getting out of that city." Since he was directly behind me, I cranked my seat back all the way back and decided now was the time to crack open my big bag of Cornnuts. After all, there's nothing quite like the smell of Cornnuts.
OK, so as I'm sitting here, there is an adjacent gate and one of the pilots looks exactly like the Croatian surgeon from E.R. Directly in front of the gate desk is a guy that looks exactly like Star Trek's Captain Piccard, and I swear that lady looks exactly like Abe Vigoda. Maybe I watch too much TV.
Brian "I'm a Wheel Watcher" Matthews
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NASCAR Adventure
Tuesday, October 30, 2007 |
Today, I was on a Nascar pit crew. No kidding! It wasn't at a Nascar event, but an event where regular people(like me and perhaps Bill Cosby) suit up in colorful jumpsuits slathered in patches and logos and rapidly change tires on a race car. The REAL crew shows you how to perform a pit stop and then lets you practice a few times before timing you. I was the right rear tire lug-nut-remover dude. ZZZZZZUUUUU! ZZZZZZUUUUUU! ZZZZZUUUUUUU!!! and the tire was off. I wish I could have those guys with me the next time I have a tire blow out. Fifteen seconds and I would be back on the road, probably to go pick up supper at McDonald's.
Brian "Lug Nuts" Matthews
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The Ultra Cheap iPod Travel battery
Monday, October 29, 2007 |
As you may know, I was just in Orlando and the biggest problem I've had for a while is to long periods of waiting while traveling.
Typically during those times, I read or listen to my iPod. Since I have a video iPod, I also watch movies and TV shows which makes the time fly. The problem is....the video iPod battery only lasts about 5 hours at best. I needed a way to boost my battery life. Sure there are other portable chargers on the market for $50-$200. I wanted something cheap and light. Here's what I came up with.
AA Battery Holder from Radio Shack 270-407: $1.89
2 of these
9-Volt connectors (pack of 5) from Radio Shack 270-325: $1.99
I was able to watch TV shows and movies during my entire trip including 5 hours on a plane and 3 hours in airports. Total cost was less than $10 plus AA batteries. I will never travel again without my little contraption!!!
The best part was, I arrived at my destination and my iPod was still completely charged!
Brian "I'm a Wheel Watcher" Matthews
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Vote for Me!
It?s a beautiful Sunday morning and Jen and I are in bed reading the paper. I start reading about a gentleman in Bismarck who is running for President. Why? Because God told him to.
Mmmmm. OK.
Then I was reading on and it turns out his wife write music by channeling John Lennon.
Mmmmm. OK.
Did I mention I thought I saw that he started his own religion? I could be wrong though.
I started thinking. I have my own religion?Brianetics where the followers worship me. Being the omnipotent deity, I converse with myself and decide that maybe I should run for president. My platform would be simple:
- WAR! What is it good for? Absolutely nuthin?! Say it again! HUAH!
- These boots are made for walkin? and that?s just what they?ll do.
- He bag production he got walrus gumboot
He got Ono sideboard he one spinal cracker
He got feet down below his knee
Hold you in his armchair you can feel his disease
Vote for me!
The second time is the charm!
Brian "Commander in Brief" Matthews
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Tragic Kingdom Day 2
Day 2 living in the squalor that is Walt Disney World. Pristine landscaping, unique wildlife all around, and the sound of tropical music piped in everywhere including outdoors. Life is hard.
Today, I met with 2500 of my closest friends and we had a pretty good time. We talked and ate and talked some more. Did I mention the music coming from the rocks and bushes? I almost don't need my iPod, but I can't control the magical music of the shrubbery, so I'll stick with my little gizmo. Speaking of gizmos, my cell phone battery decided to become defective. It could have been the balmy weather, blue skies, or the white sand surrounding the hammock in front of my "Ranchero", but since it hasn't left my pocket, I doubt it.
New Sneakers
Friday, October 26, 2007 |
Yesterday my wife and I received our new sneakers which we custom designed on the Converse web site.
Here's mine:
Here's Jen's (She's a Girl Scout leader)
Greetings from Walt Disney World Pt. 1
Greetings from Walt Disney World in Orlando Florida.
I hope the trip gets better than when it started.
Here's the blow by blow.
7:00-I arrive at the airport and check in for my flight. I get my boarding pas and find out that not only has my flight been canceled, but I've been rescheduled for a flight at 4:20 in the afternoon. I figured this out after I went through security.
7:45-The nice airplane lady found a seat for me on the earlier flight. Thank you airplane lady.
9:15-I land in Minneapolis, or as our kids call it, "Applebees". I take out my next boarding pass and it reads, "See gate".
9:20-I see gate.
9:21 - My bladder reminds me I am mortal--the nearest restroom is.....fathoms away
9:25-Gate sees me and I have a new boarding pass for the next flight which is...lucky me...boarding right now. No rest for the wicked bladder.
9:30 - I am sitting next to a guy who looks like Red Beard the pirate, only about 1/3 the size.
9:45 - The plane takes off and Red Beard starts making funny noises.
9:55 - The funny noises have subsided and the guy beside Red Beard starts ordering $5 tiny bottles of vodka. I am expecting funny noises from Beard's buddy next.
10:30 - Watching old episodes of The Simpsons on the iPod. That Homer is quite the actor.
10:45 - Five bottles of Skyy vodka down and it looks like he's just getting started.
12:45 - The plane lands and Red Beard has surprised me with a new and unusual squeaking noise. I bet he was saving that one up.
1:20 - Boarding the special Disney Magical Express, which should be renamed "Disney's rolling propaganda factory". In the 40 minutes I'm on board, I am subjected to one long commercial about how I am not only going to love my Disney vacation, but also how I should find a bookie and book a Disney cruise too.
2:00 - I arrive at the resort ready to buy anything with a mouse on it. I NEED THAT DAMN MOUSE!!!!
2:15 - I check in to the hotel and find out my room is located somewhere in Ecuador. I start walking.
2:40 - I arrive at my room after solving a labyrinth of replica Spanish villas.
2:45 - I stop screaming because a little lizard ran into my room.
3:00 - I decide he can have the bed by the door. I'll take the one by the bathroom.
3:14 - I catch "Uriah" and release him back into the wild after some touching words and a gentle caress.
I miss Uriah already. If he was a cartoon mouse, I would have given him my credit card. Did you know this is where the magic happens? I didn't know that!
The journal goes on and on until I finish eating supper in the rain. I'll spare you the details.
Great Idea
Wednesday, October 24, 2007 |
Check this out:
H2Glow
It's a little thing you put on a faucet and it glows blue if the water is cold and red if the water is hot. Great idea.
Now if they could only do the same for cars. If the driver is bad, have the car glow red. If the driver is obeying the traffic laws and drives safely, the car glows green.
I'm So Tired....
Monday, October 22, 2007 |
I've never been an early riser. More specifically, morning has never been my best friend. Today morning woke me up, slapped me in the face and gave me a stern "Neener neener neener". I'd fight back if I weren't so tired.
Brian "**YAWN**" Matthews
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Red Sneaker Renovations
Thursday, October 18, 2007 |
I'll be trying a few new things here on the site in the coming weeks (hope you like the revised layout), so if something doesn't work....it should be fixed shortly. If you subscribe to the RSS feed for the blog posts, I'll have some extras for you too!
Thanks!
Brian "Blog Dude" Matthews
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Boxelder bugs ATTACK!!!
I like to think that Boxelder Bugs gather together each autumn and decided collectively to take over the world. Each clan of insects then returns to their quadrants and begin to infiltrate, unfortunately they fail each and every year. I think the fatal flaw is their lack opposable thumbs to write down past actions that failed and keep trying the same plan over and over. "Get inside and crawl on stuff" isn't a good plan, fellas.
Brian "Squish" Matthews
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Return of the Red Sneaker Mailbag
Wednesday, October 17, 2007 |
It's been a while and my mail bag doth runneth overeth, and I seem to be slurring my writing. Isth that possibleth?
Where was I? Oh yes, your e-mails. Keep them coming. If you don't write in, I may be forced to write a "Top 10 things I found in my underwear drawer". No one wants that.
Dear Red Sneaker guy,
Love the blog. One question why red?
D.W.
Oh dear Volkswagen,
I imagine the reason red exists has something to do with the light spectrum and the fact that slasher movies wouldn't be entertaining with green fake blood. That is just a guess. I'm not a scientist, but I am a huge fan of their work. I'll be the first to buy their new album.
Brian.
Sup, Brian,
You scared me when I read post 1000. I thought you were really going to stop. I have to have my red sneaker every day. It's like not having my coffee in the morning. Don't you dare scare me like that again.
G.L.
Dear Gigi,
I hate to be the barer of bad news, but some day this blog will no longer exist. It's not you. It's me. I really need to focus on my career right now. We have grown apart. I really hope we can still be friends. Can I have my blue T-shirt back?
Brian.
Brian "Peace, Love and Gingersnaps" Matthews
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New businesses coming to Bismarck and Mandan - Sort of
Bismarck is growing. Business are being built. Because of the ever-growing list of new businesses coming to the area, I decided wouldn't it be fun to put out a list of new businesses coming to Bismarck/Mandan. Here's the catch: Not all of them are real. In fact I will blatantly make up a few just to spice things up. Will I divulge which ones are fabricated? Absolutely not. In fact, they may all be complete lies. I thought that might make this a little more fun.
1. Ruby Tuesday's - This is not a Rolling Stones memorabilia store.
2. Circuit City - Bismarck is the Silicon Valley of central North Dakota. This just makes sense.
3. Chuck E. Cheese's - They will have an exclusive "Ride Salem Sue" game.
4. Hooters - Let's find a place where it is known for cold weather and put up a restaurant requiring the waitresses to wear their little brother's cutoffs.
5. The Gap -Why not.
6. Costco - Building just outside Mandan, it will give us another way of buying a bale of toilet tissue.
Brian "Never believe anything I say" Matthews
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Totally Random Haiku Day!
Totally Random Haiku
Astronaut Play-dough
Crawling on the vegetables
Where's my weiner dog?
Brian "I'm a poet" Matthews
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Totally Random Haiku
Totally Random Haiku
Sea foam popsicle
Angry limp flowing hot dogs
Olive Oil yak
Brian "I'm a poet" Matthews
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Presidential Candidate Ron Paul? Really?
Tuesday, October 16, 2007 |
I was just reading an article about the upcoming elections and Ron Paul. I had no idea that Puff Daddy's line of clothing was running for president. I guess anything can happen on the Internet!
Brian "I like Baby Phat's views on foreign relations" Matthews
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I cannot tell a lie, I can't wait to see Washington Street
As a liver-inner of the greater Mandan/Bismarck area, I was enthused to find out that Washington Street was finally open. Finally open after I just figured out how to navigate around the construction.
I have to say, I am pretty excited to be stuck on that street waiting for traffic since it's so much prettier now. Nothing calms me more than quaint street lights. I guess you could say that faux historic charm is my drug of choice.
I can't wait!
Brian "I need a life " Matthews
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My Goals (I'm a Goalsetter and you can't stop me)
Everyone needs goals. Here's a few of mine:
- To not be able to be captured on film.
- To discover a new element which I will call "Spazium".
- To ensure a little dab'll do ya.
- To start a crystal shop called "Weapons of Glass Distractions".
- To do more "Sauntering" and less "Gallivanting".
- To stop giving intentionally bad directions to people who ask for them.
- To spend some quality time improving my Ed Asner impression.
- To stop referring to all dogs as "Good Doggy" unless they have already proven their innate goodness.
Brian "Goal-oriented " Matthews
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Shopping vs. Buying
While is a store the other day, Mark turns to me and says, "I like shopping, but I don't like looking at stuff. I just want get what I want and get out." I then took the opportunity to educate the lad on "Shopping vs. Buying".
There are more complete definitions, but this is the one I use:
"Shopping is the act of going to a store, looking at things you might like to own some day, commenting how 'cute' they are and then leaving without purchasing anything.
Buying is the equivalent of "Hunt and gather". Enter a store, go directly to the area of the item of interest. Retrieve item and make the purchase."
I hope that sets the boy straight.
In other news.....I posted a new column at: http://www.redsneaker.net/column.
Brian "Buyer " Matthews
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Halloween in the schools
Monday, October 15, 2007 |
Halloween is coming up. One of my favorite memories was as a kid getting to go to school and after lunch, the kids would disperse and put on their respective costumes. The afternoon would be spent getting razzed up on Hershey's and Hi-C punch.
Now the schools don't allow the kids to wear costumes on Halloween. My question is, how are the kids ever going to find out what it's like to vomit candy bars into their mask?
Brian "Fizzy Goodness " Matthews
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Halloween Costumes
Monday, October 8, 2007 |
The Matthews' family loaded up into the family minivan and made the annual trip to buy Halloween costumes. Halloween is my favorite holiday because when else can you walk into almost any store and buy cheap candy and a fake severed hand at the same time? Not Arbor day, that's for sure.
The Annabelle and Sabrina were both simple to outfit. One wanted to be a bunny and the other a cat. Very girly and very innocent.
mark, who is now jaded from over six weeks of Junior High, was having a much harder time picking a costume. He was no longer wanting character costumes. No Ninja Turtles, Star Wars characters, or even Captain Jack Sparrow.
After 30 minutes of wandering through fake eyeballs and glow-in-the-dark vampire fangs, we finally settled on a mask of an old Asian man with a long white beard and a black robe. I was stumped until Mark explained. He was a "Wise Guy".
Brian "Smart Alec " Matthews
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What a wonderful day, ARRRRGH!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007 |
Imagine beautiful weather, birds chirping and a light breeze dancing across your skin. After that, imagine turning and finding out your spouse and smallest child are sick. The birds are still chirping, though. It's going to be a good day.
You then load up the other children to take to school on this fine fine day. As you pull away, a loud sound emits from the vehicle. Well, at least the weather is still nice, right? You deliver the children to their schools and make an appointment for the family mechanic to take a took at the vehicle right away. A minor obstacle considering it's still a pretty good day. Then, as you pull onto Main street, the vehicle dies mid-intersection. Cars are honking, people are yelling and there's a smell of burnt rubber wafting through the crisp autumn air. This is not looking good. A car behind you suddenly has an open door. The guy getting out is a rough-looking chap. Grey ponytail and an eye patch. An honest-to-goodness leather eyepatch. I'm in trouble. This is definitely not going to be a good day at all. Stupid barking birds!!! I can't barely hear myself think!!!
Thankfully, the gent with the pirate sense of fashion helps push me into an adjacent parking lot to wait for a tow truck.
That was close. What a nice day!
Brian "Arrgh! " Matthews
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