Thursday, November 29, 2007
Top ten most dangerous games
Top ten most dangerous games:
10. Laser Scrabble
9. Truth or Snare
8. Rock, paper, angry syphilitic tiger
7. Bungee Scotch (like Hop Scotch, only with chalk on a sidewalk)
6. Real-life Battleship played with canoes and shotguns.
5. Extreme Checkers
4. Limbo using a drunken elephant covered in razor wire
3. Fire Boggle
2. Nahtzee!
1. Pin the tail on the cobra
Brian “Game On” Matthews |
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Holiday Letter
Read the Red Sneaker Holiday Letter(MS Word Format)
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Monday, November 26, 2007
Thanksgiving Review
What I did on my Thanksgiving Vacation by Brian Matthews.
We went to Minneapolis, or as my kids use to call it—“Applebees”. We left midday via our minivan that seemed more “mini” than “van”. We were stuffed in there like croutons in the turkey, only the smells weren’t as delightful. We arrived in the Minneapolis area after dark and were able to watch the hordes of vehicles stream out of the city as we dove deeper.
We arrived and found comfort in an inflatable mattress on the floor of Jen’s sister’s apartment.
The next day was Turkey Day. We awoke and jockeyed for the best seat in the living room. To my dismay, they watched football. I tried to focus on my laptop.
We ate turkey.
The next day, we arose to a day at the Mall of America. I considered this the best chance to submerge myself in humanity and possibly lose my gloves. We wandered around, wisely using the buddy system. Annabelle, who is 4, kept me from getting list a few times.
Our stomachs grumbled….the turkey had finally made its way from our over-filled stomachs. I decided to have lunch at a place called Johnny Rockets. In retrospect, I see that it was an ironic name. there was nothing fast about the place. I stood in line for about an hour for fast food…making it technically moderately slow-paced food. We chucked our refuse and regained our shopping composure.
Time to go polish the stripes on our credit cards! I need the friction of the machines to get a nice high gloss!
Finally, we decide to head back to the vehicle. On our way past the oxygen bar, where people paid money to look like goofballs sniffing oxygen, we went into a shop of over-sized beanbags. Mark decided he had to have one. Picture hauling a queen-size beanbag from the Mall of America to the parking ramp. It wasn’t pretty.
The best part of any trip is….arriving home. The pets missed you, the house is as clean as you left it and the bed doesn’t require inflation prior to use.
Happy Post Thanksgiving!
Brian “Turkey Sandwich” Matthews |
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Laptop
The first 24 hours after buying a new laptop is critical. You have to bond with it immediately. I placed the new unit in my trusty leather bag so it could adjust to my smell. The first night I will let it sleep in bed with us, but after that, it will have to sleep at the foot of the bed with the other laptops. It’s still new, so hopefully it will establish it’s place on the network and adjust to the pack mentality.
If all goes well, I will take him for a little trip. Hopefully the other computers don’t get too jealous.
Brian “Alpha Geek” Matthews |
User-Friendly?
I went laptop shopping this past weekend and ran into a peculiar sales technique.
I was inquiring about a specific model, and the sales person was saying things like, “Are you sure you want to do that?” and “I don’t think you have a case big enough to fit THAT laptop!” It was like he was doing everything in his power to discourage me from buying it. That’s when I figured it out. He wanted that laptop and they had a small number on hand. I bought it anyway.
Brian “User-Friendly” Matthews |
Friday, November 16, 2007
What if?
The next time you find yourself in a stalled conversation, try one of these out:
-If you were a ninja, what would your signature attack be?
-If you were condiment, what would you be and what would you want to be enjoyed upon?
-If you had a robotic hand, would you want one that was super strong or one that was super dexterous?
-If you discovered a new element for the periodic chart, what would you name it?
-If you could trade one of your seven senses for a super power, what would you trade and what would the super power be?
-If you left a trail of any substance behind you, what would that substance be?
-If you were locked in a luxurious bathroom for a month, who would you bring with you?
-If your car were speeding out of control and you were about to hit a space alien that just landed on Earth, what would you yell out the window?
-If you were plummeting to the Earth from an airplane and you had no parachute, what fast food restaurant would you choose to crash into?
-If you could go back in time and change anything in your life, but each time you went back in time you would lose 5 years of your life, how many times would you go back?
-If you had to live with a group of wild animals for the rest of your life, what kind of animal would it be?
-If you were a pirate and had the choice of having a hook for a hand or a peg leg, which would you chose?
Brian “Whatif” Matthews |
Car lots and PC/MCIA Slots
I never understood people who drive through car sales lots in the evenings for fun. They drive around slowly and periodically stop, exit the vehicle and peer into the vehicle. They may not even be in the market for a vehicle, they just enjoy looking.
I am laptop shopping. I now appreciate the lot creepers perusing cars. I pull into the various laptop “dealerships” and “cruise” their inventory comparing stats and prices. Just the other day I found myself with my had over my eyes gazing through the Plexiglas case checking them out.
Carry on wannabe car buy people. Carry on!
Brian “Gigablog” Matthews |
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Campaign Update
So far, the Presidential Campaign has been…..less than stellar. To give you an idea, so far we have not raised enough money to continue with a big campaign. In fact, I think we are in the hole when it comes to contributions since I can’t really consider a “Buy 1 Get one Free” Pepsi cap as a significant donation.
This has caused us to rethink our strategy.
We may not be able travel to the caucuses and participate in the debates to the level we had hoped. According to recent correspondence, we have not proved our “legitimacy” as a candidate and cannot receive the proper credentials to get on stage at the debates without being tackled and possibly tasered—bro.
We have not received any response to our request for an arm wrestling match besides a packet of bumper stickers and a “Thank You” form letter from Obama.
Maybe we need to be more direct?
Brian “Gung Ho!” Matthews |
Red Sneaker Official Calendar for 2008
It's coming up on that time of year when every business starts giving away calendars for the upcoming year. We, at Red Sneaker, have jumped square on that bandwagon and are proud to give you an EXCLUSIVE Red Sneaker Calendar!
Download and Print the New 2008 Red Sneaker Calendar (PDF)
Brian “Gregorian” Matthews |
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Birthday Parties
Sometime between when I was a kid and now, children’s birthday parties have become a kind of competition. The competition: How much money can be spent on a 6 year old’s birthday party?
My wife tells me of the birthday parties she had growing up. Friends around the family dining room table eating cake and then running off to play “Pin the tail on the donkey”. Today’s parties are similar, only instead of sitting around the dining room table; the kids are sitting around a table at a local restaurant or “Party facility”. And instead of running off to play “Pin the tail on the donkey”, they are running off to the huge inside jungle gyms and video games like “The Wrath of Gorantua”.
I imagine this is just a sign of the times. Maybe someday my kids will be thinking about simpler times and wishing their kids would just stay home and play “Pin the tail on Gorantua” too.
Brian “Simple” Matthews |
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
An oozing of Blog entries
I ran across this:
A group of geese is called a “Gaggle” also:
A shrewdness of apes
An exaltation of larks
A battery of barracudas
A troop of monkeys
A kaleidoscope of butterflies
A parliament of owls
A quiver of cobras
An ostentation of peacocks
A murder of crows
A rookery of penguins
A convocation of eagles
A prickle of porcupines
A charm of finches
An unkindness of ravens
A skulk of foxes
A shiver of sharks
A troubling of goldfish
A pod of whales
A smack of jellyfish
A descent of woodpeckers
A mob of kangaroos
A zeal of zebras
After reading these, I thought to myself, what about things that aren’t animals? Would they have unusual names too?
Maybe something like:
A snooker of mucus (EX: You will have to stay on this medication until we can clear your chest of the snooker of mucus built up there.)
A steve of chopsticks
A ravioli of Bon Jovi Albums
A stench of perfume samples
A metric buttload of cheese
Brian “What if?" Matthews |
Party Time
So I was approached recently by the Bull Moose party to team up with and help take out the favored candidate from the new Fig Newton party. I categorically refused. Sure the Newton is a little fruity, but I respect his firm standing...and cookie goodness.
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Time to Pick a Political party!
Behind the scenes here at campaign headquarters, we have been researching the best political party to affiliate with. The mainstream parties are obviously out. The Republicans, the democrats, the Green party, etc all have many contenders. My advisors have told me to aim for a niche audience. Our first target—The Whig party. Once a dominant party, the last declared Whig died years ago. This is a possibility. Next up, the Rhinoceros Party. Having several major runs starting in the 1960s, the Rhinos seemed to have the gumption I have been looking for. Unfortunately, they are Canadian and I have a longtime feud with Canada and their bacons.
We briefly discussed monarchies, but it seemed too difficult to get in and I’m not willing to convert to Anemia.
As the discussions went on and on, it became apparent that a change was in order. The status Quo was not working, so a new party needs to be formed to contend on a fair playing field complete with bleachers, white painted stripes and a referee in white stretchy pants.
This party needs to stand for everything I believe in and show America that it matters. This is why I am announcing my candidacy representing a new political party—The Pezbiterians.
Americans need to be free to eat candy from the necks of pop culture icons. Raise your Pez dispensers and join me as we reform the broken political system! First up, I would like to challenge all the candidates to an arm wrestling match. They can pick the date and the media to be present. I will bring the do-rags and the talcum powder. Let’s get it on!
Brian “Pezbitorn" Matthews |
Monday, November 12, 2007
Scrambled Brains
I had a dream about a short guy who claimed he was my eardrum. He was very angry. He had toothpaste eyebrows and sausage lips and referred to himself in the third person. (FYI, he said his name was Harvey”). He said things like, “Harvey no like earbuds! Turn Motorhead down”. I found it soothing to pet Harvey’s huge handlebar moustache. The floor was covered in bubblewrap. Not the normal small bubble wrap that makes satisfying pips and pops, but bubbles the size of my foot that sounds like guns firing. The huge blue bees kept stinging Harvey since he was covered with a honey-like ear wax he called “Snezel”. I ended up wrapping him in burlap and floating on him down a small river.
I wonder if I misread the dosage directions on the cold medicine.
Brian “Dutarg" Matthews |
Who are you?
As my wife and I were entering a restaurant in Dickinson, we run into a familiar face. We say “Hi” and chat for a bit and then go our own ways. Immediately afterwards, my wife asks, “Who was that?” Here’s my confession. I had no clue. I knew I had known her from college, but that was it. Hours later-----it all came back.
I remembered her name, that I worked with her in the dorms and even a bit about what she was studying. I am a bad bad bad person for pretending I knew your name, Tasha.
My wife asked me later, “How come you didn’t remember her name, but she remembered yours?” My theory has something to do with my long blue hair in college.
The lesson to learn from this, dear reader: if you come up to me in public and say, “Hey Brian” and I respond, “Hey there fella! How’s it going?” Immediately throw your hands in the air and know….I have no idea who you are.
Brian “I’m a Fanilow" Matthews |
Friday, November 9, 2007
Floored
So today I am sanding our old oak floors. I love refinishing floors because of two words: Sawdust Angels.
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Thursday, November 8, 2007
Nutterbutter Electric Boogaloo Windex!!!
I am a big fan of phonetic alphabets. When I hear people use them, they sound so “Top Gunnish”.
“Roger that, Delta Oscar Romeo Kilo”.
I’ve decided to make up my own.
A=Albequerque
B=Bamboozle
C=Cheese Whiz
D= Diddle
E= Electric Boogaloo
F= fiduciary
G=gubernatorial
H=hotpants
I=Icky Pooey
J=Jackhammer
K= kumquat
L=Lump
M=Mudflap
N= Nutterbutter
O= Oompa Loompa
P=phalanges
Q=Quaker State
R=Regis
S=Sock puppet
T=Turtle Wax
U=Urethra
V=Vaseline
W= Windex
X=Xanadu
Y=Yoda
Z=Zit
So for example, I would be:
Bamboozle Regis Icky Pooey Albequerque Nutterbutter.
Download it (CLICK HERE), print it and stick this by your phone!
Brian “Roger that!" Matthews |
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
New Businesses
Businesses I wish I could open:
5. “Cue ball Barbershop” where patrons can play billiards while waiting for a haircut.
9. “Salad Shooter”- A firing range where you can pick up a light lunch.
3. A hardware store and tattoo parlor called “Screws, Glues, and Tattoos”
2. A 24 hour fitness center that also offers gasoline—“Hop, Skip and a Pump”
1. A rock lounge called “The Whammy Bar”
Brian "Pinkos – Your neighborhood propaganda copy shop " Matthews |
Trick or Treating....late
Go up to any door the night of November 1st with your kids, have them “Trick or Treat” and the person on the other end may give you left over candy or will feel so bad, you walk away with cans of chili because that’s all they had.
Brian "Could work" Matthews |
Monday, November 5, 2007
Milky Way
After Halloween, our house is full of candy. Every year I have a reoccurring thought. Milky Way bars are really the middle sibling of the nougat candy bar family. Snickers is the oldest sibling with the most going for it. The caramel, peanuts and the nougat coated in milk chocolate. What a show-off.
The youngest sibling is of course—Three Musketeers. It’s all nougat and milk chocolate coating. It’s like a gestational Snickers. Finally, the under appreciated, yet tasty Milky Way. Sure most people think of it as “Almost a Snickers”, but I am going to start thinking of it as its own candy bar…..with its own nougatty goodness.
Brian "Milky No Way!" Matthews
