Red Sneaker - Blog of Brian Matthews

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Know your Root Words....

Thursday, January 31, 2008 |

'Poli' in Latin means 'many' and 'tics' means 'bloodsucking creatures'.

C-C-C-C-C-COLD!!!!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 |

The Chill that covers Mandan

Monday, January 28, 2008 |

I thought about liveblogging our experience since the natural gas leak on Sunday, but then I realized it would be:
?Huh, not too cold. I?ll just sit here?
Then a few hours later, ?Well, it?s getting a little colder.?
A few hours later, ?I?m in my Manjamas and I?m still cold. I think I?ll go take a hot shower.?
Followed almost immediately by, ?I forgot it?s a natural gas water heater. I?m colder now.?
A few hours later, ?It?s time to bake a cake?.or twelve? just for the heat.
And on an on.

Going Green

Thursday, January 24, 2008 |

Red Sneaker has ?Gone Green?. I?m only doodling my nonsensical notes for the blog on 100% recycled paper. Wow. What a sacrifice.
Brian "Green" Matthews

Not So Super Bowl

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 |

I think I belong to a tiny group of humans in the U.S. who do not follow football and do not watch the Super Bowl, no matter how many quirky commercials or costume malfunctions there may be. Instead, we roam the substrata of channels looking for something sans pigskin. Typically, there may be a marathon of movies or home improvement shows.
?But what about the commercials? Everyone the next day will be talking about them??
I guess I?ll be out of the loop. This won?t be the first time, or the last. In fact, I find ?the loop? a little constricting and getting out of it feels pretty good sometimes, provided you use lotion to prevent chaffing. Some how I will muddle through not understanding conversations like, ?Wasn?t it hilarious when the goat started talking?? or ?Did you see that car commercial with the exploding ferrets?? How will I survive?

Brian ?Souper Bowel? Matthews

LiveBlogging - Trimming my Toenails

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 |

Hope you can join me!

Burglar caught by 89 year old woman...

I love reading news stories where a burglar breaks into the home of someone who is 90 and a black belt and marksman with the gun they keep by the bed side. There is something so pleasing to know that the bad guy got his??.loot bag handed to him, for lack of a better analogy.
This could be why ?Home Alone? was such a big hit movie. Of course, I believe it was simply due to the star power of Daniel Stern.
Brian ?Crunch? Matthews

Bad Boy Bad Boys...Whatcha Gonna Do When Grandma Comes for You?

Monday, January 21, 2008 |

Exercise

Jen and I have been going to a local gym since September of 2007 (or 07 for you hipsters).
This weekend was no different. We get ready to go, and say good bye to the kids.
Sabrina who is 8, asks, ?Why are you going to exercise?? and immediately Annabelle answers, ?So they don?t die.?
I guess that would be an accurate assessment. Here?s to exercise! So we won?t die.

Brian ?Livin? Sore? Matthews

Words of Wisdom

Thursday, January 17, 2008 |

I always say??if you want to succeed in life, you have to take the koala by the horns!

Brian ?Legendary? Matthews

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

This blog is a test. Had this blog been real, this message would be followed by instructions on what you are suppose to do. This is only a test.

Brian ?Beep? Matthews

Indemnification Agreement

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 |

You agree to indemnify and hold RedSneaker, and its parent, subsidiaries and affiliates and their respective officers, directors, agents, co-branders and hangers-on, contractors, Smurfs and employees, harmless from and against any and all claims, expenses, fees, parking tickets, possible pudding loss and demands, including attorneys' fees, attorney?s boat payments, attorney?s monthly sock bill made by any third party (or third party animal) due to, arising out of, inserted into or asserted in connection with your use or misuse of this Blog, including claims relating to content you submit, I submit, we submit, post to or transmit through this site or it?s metaphysical subsidiaries, and your connection to and use of this Blog. Red Sneaker reserves the right to have control of any defense, which may or may not include the use of a goalie, and control of any matter otherwise subject to indemnification by you and possibly your mother.

If you believe that your rights have been violated or even marginally miffed by information or material that is accessible on this blog, you may notify Red Sneaker via telepathy.

The Request for Removal must include all of the following:
Identification of the right that you claim has been violated;
Three pounds of variegated yarn;
A description of the material that you claim should be removed;
A description on how you would like it removed and what music should be played during the removal;
A clear description of where the material is located on our web site, including its URL, so that we can locate the material;
A ?Thumbs up? or ?Thumbs Down? review of Sweeny Todd
Your address, telephone number, shoe size (American sizes only) and e-mail address; and
A statement by you that you agree to provide Red Sneaker with any additional information or proof that we reasonably request, which may or may not include your zodiac sign, approximate weight rounded to the nearest versta, and the secret handshake?you do know the secret handshake, right?

Brian ?Indemnified? Matthews
Post your Photos of the REAL North Dakota here

Dentists

Sabrina and I are paying the dentist a visit this afternoon. Sabrina has two teeth that need to be removed to make room for permanent teeth that are coming in. Sabrina, like me, doesn?t handle doctor-inflicted pain very well. So it seems logical that I be the one to take her.
I plan on insisting on laughing gas, possibly for Sabrina as well.

Brian ?Squeemish? Matthews

Yes, Virginia, there is a Toe Jam Fairy.

During the night, while everyone is tucked into their cozy beds, the Toe Jam Fairy pays a visit to everyone?s sock drawer. There, the fairy sprinkles toe jam dust onto the socks so that the next time the person puts those socks on, they will instantly have a soothing application of toe jam.
Recent world issues have caused some issues with this practice. For instance, the new dust doesn?t spoil, so the fairy only needs to visit freshly washed socks. This does exclude entire college dormitories and many residents who live below the ?Sandal Belt? in the US. Therefore the fairy is not as busy as it once was. Also, the latest toe jam dust is made from synthetics which make it easier to make and not require the importation of specialty ingredients from places like Turkey and Luxembourg. Lastly, most formal organizations no longer recognize the Toe Jam Fairy as a valid fairy, so local breaking and entering laws then apply. Fairies don?t do this work for the money; therefore it is very difficult to continually pay legal fees and the ever-rising costs of fairy insurance. If this were to happen to the tooth fairy, you can guarantee there would be more children finding teeth under their pillows in the morning. The Toe Jam Fairy is relentless because it is dedicated to the application of toe jam and everything that it stands for. So yes, Virginia, there is a Toe Jam Fairy.

Brian ?Magic and Linty? Matthews

Let's Get Physical Part 2

Sunday, January 13, 2008 |

So we get to the gym and I notice there's a gentleman sitting on a bench watching a football game. Weight machine after weight machine I catch a glimpse of him....and he's just sitting there watching the game. I think I figured it out.....he promised his wife he would go to the gym more in 2008. He just never promised to actually work out.

New Laptop Part 2

Wednesday, January 9, 2008 |

As I mentioned yesterday, Mark got his first laptop. Being the technically-savvy father that I am, I am cleaning off all the trial software and installing useful software. While I?m doing that, I?ll be setting it up for safety. In other words?.ways to protect him from less-than-savory web sites. Parental controls are enabled, some web sites are blocked. Up next, tools to monitor activity, remotely access the laptop, and further filter the sites he can get to. By the time I?m done, he should be able to get to three web sites including a marginal site from Nickelodeon where the characters of the show ?Backyardigans? don?t wear any pants.
I am Dadmin.

Brian ?Dadmin? Matthews

New Laptop Rite of Passage

Tuesday, January 8, 2008 |

Last night, Mark bought his very first laptop....with money he's been saving. This may not seem like a banner accomplishment, but to me it's the equivalent of him getting his first car.
"Mark, you are a man now. You have your own set of USP ports. Use them wisely. This laptop should last you a good long time if you take care of it and don't hot rod all over the place. Sure it's a huge freedom, but it's also a huge responsibility. You can now google your friends, but do so responsibly. Use protection! Make sure you have your anti-virus and anti-spyware up to date. Don't let your friends borrow it. It could be returned damaged or worse yet, signed up for dozens of worthless mailing lists. Keep it clean and don't come begging me for harddrive money. If you waste it all, you need to earn money to buy more. That's what adults have to do. "
Brian? ?Ctrl-Alt-Puberty? ?Matthews

Mixed Tapes

Monday, January 7, 2008 |

Once upon a time, I would spend entire afternoons with my stereo and my stacks and stacks of cassette tapes and CDs making a mixed tape. I had only 90 minutes to fill with whatever music and nonsense I wanted. Flash forward to the present and the need to sit down and "Make" a mixed tape is gone. Now everything is playlists. I can put together 90 minutes of music in just a few minutes of searching my vast music library. Heck, I can do searches for terms and styles and voila! The songs appear. This is far more efficient, but doesn't it seem way less personal? I remember when a friend would share a mixed tape and it was a big deal----albeit I was in 8th grade. Now I can throw together a playlist of songs and it means nothing. How are the kids of today who are shy, geeky and a little goofy going to show someone they are attracted to that they like them...kinda...sorta? Actually talking to them? Don't be silly. That never works.
Brian? ?More Whitesnake?? ?Matthews

Down with the Christmas Decorations!!!!

Saturday, January 5, 2008 |

Today is the day that I will shimmy onto the roof and hope that I come down via the ladder. The goal is no broken bones, no sprains and no garland rash.

The best part about taking the decorations down outside is that I don't have to worry about if the lights work. I just take them down and pack them up. I also wouldn't be doing this without my beautiful wife. She is crucial to the organization of the process and placing her foot on the ladder so I feel safe. I'm not really sure why that works, but knowing that she is stepping on the ladder means it won't slip out from under her foot sending me crashing to the terra firma.

I can't wait.

But first, I'm going to call my health insurance to make sure I know what all my co-pays are........just in case.

Chit Chat

Friday, January 4, 2008 |

One of my favorite things to do in large gatherings, preferably of people I don?t know, is to sidle up to a group?..don?t formerly join into the conversation, just dart your eyes around the room periodically paying attention to the group. Then at a random moment, blurt out something and then quickly yet nonchalantly leave. Don?t wait for a reaction, don?t look them in the eyes too long, just disappear.
Phrases I like to use include:
?I was about knee-jerk to a turtle before I lost my pappy.?
?I wonder when the ritual sacrifice starts.?
?I lost my spleen in a freak chimmy chonga accident.?
?Has anyone seen my dark matter??
?Is it me, or is this like a huge earlobe convention! They are everywhere.?
?I followed that rainbow and this sure don?t look like no pot of gold to me!?
?I heard Ted Danson smells like rutabaga.?
?Drezel Plitinoy, negs grebben framp twool.?

Brian ?Conversation-no-more? Matthews

Weird Ears

Recently I?ve noticed that my on-the-ear headphones foamy thingies are all beginning to tear. All of them. Isn?t that unusual? There?s only one possible cause----I have the ?Tennessee Sharp Ear Disease.? For your own sake, I ask that you stay clear of my ears. Please!

Brian ?Earblade? Matthews

Geek Love

Thursday, January 3, 2008 |

How to Romance a Geek.
Are you in love with a geek? Do you want to know the secret on how to romance a geek if you are yourself not a geek?
Flowers won?t work. Sentimental scrapbooks won?t work.
Want to romance a Video Gamer Geek? Grab that controller and play some video games with them. This is more effective than a dozen roses or a Hallmark card.
Computer Programmer Geek? Get them something printed with a word or phrase in binary. Get help in translating the words into binary. Your geek will notice any mistakes.
Dungeons and Dragons Geek? Custom dice. Gold-colored 20-sided dice will make their hearts go pitterpat.
It is almost certain that after giving these gifts, your geek will think, ?I have the best girlfriend (or boyfriend) in the entire Middle Earth.?
Brian ?Just a Love Machine? Matthews

Hair hair, long beautiful hair!

Have you ever noticed a single hair popping up in the middle of a non-hairish place on your body?
Some people call them ?Fly Hairs? after the movie ?The Fly? where Jeff Goldblum turns into a fly and it begins by finding thick black stray hairs.
I like to think of them as ?Scouts?. They are hairs sent ahead by the group to see if living on the surface is safe. I snuff those scouts immediately or they may report back and his friends will join him. The next thing I know, I have a patch of thick hair on the front of my shoulder. Beware of the scouts.

Brian ?Sasquatch? Matthews

Presidential Race!!!!!

With the Iowa Caucuses this week, the 2008 Presidential race is in full speed. This is why I have chosen this time to announce my platform. Or at least the first part of my platform if I can come up with any better opinions.

My Platform:

- Legalize Lawn Darts because throwing weighted sharp objects for pleasure is 100% American.
- Remodel the Lincoln Memorial into a casino. When Americans think of Lincoln, they think of the parking lots full of the town cars and casinos full of people with buckets of nickels.
- Secretary of State?Madam the puppet
- Introduction of ?Rock Ball? as a sport. This is when a rock band plays loudly while a sports team plays in front of them on a field. No cheesy ballads allowed.
- Implement a ?3-strikes-you-are-on-thin-ice-mister? policy on repeating offenders.
- Make Brianetics the official religion of the US. We will all get together and perform the first big event of Brianetics by slathering ourselves in yogurt and chanting ?Hummawabba humma wabba ching ching chang? faster and faster working ourselves into a frenzy ending in me playing ?The Gambler? on the kazoo.
- Not only would I pull the troops out of Iraq, I?d make sure the Iraqi?s would be pulled out as well. I?d have them stay with their aunts and uncles on the farm.
- I would reform Healthcare by eliminating pharmacies and allowing doctors and nurses to just hand out the medications for free along with lollipops and tickets to Monster Truck events.
- The Income Tax would be reformed to basically pay for everything by directly charging Bill Gates checking account. Everyone else would not have to pay income tax. However, I would make sure there was a tax on tubes. Anything tubular would have a 7% surcharge. Tube tops, innertubes, tubesteak, etc.
- Making the George Foreman Grill defend its title against the Mike Tyson?s ?Crazy like a Waffle Iron?. Battle of the Small Appliances!!!!

Brian ?POTUS? Matthews

Smell My Finger Day!

According to the Official Red Sneaker Calendar of Special Events, today is ?Smell my finger day?.
To celebrate, everyone go to Bath and Body Works. Put a sampling of different lotions on each finger, then when one of the nice ladies asks if she can help you, extend your hand and say, ?Help me pick out a lotion?smell my finger.?
Brian ?Mid-Digital? Matthews

Mystery

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 |

Growing up, the epitome of mystery was captured by my grandparent?s basement. They lived in an old farm house built in the early 1900s. We were never allowed into the basement. Grandpa would disappear down there, make some shoveling noises and then come back up with a little bit of black dust on his hands. The lights turned on only by a series of naked bulbs and pull chains that I could not reach. Also, lurking in the shadows were mousetraps. One particular mousetrap was on a shelf you could see by looking through the open stairs. I was always afraid that my toes would slip in and get snapped. My grandfather would find me the next day, hold me up by my tail and deposit me in an old bread sack. I did not want that to happen.
Also in this basement was what they called a ?potato room?. It was not a room made of potatoes nor was it a room where they hydroponically grew spuds, but it was a cool dark room where they stored taters. To this day, I have still never set foot into that room. It didn?t even have a light in it as I recall. Just a dank dark abyss for potatoes.
So when I think of mysteries, I think of that basement and how creepy it was all those times we were not suppose to go down there.
Thankfully my wife?s grandparents don?t have a basement. They keep their potatoes in a well lit refrigerator.
Brian ?Ponderous, man? Matthews

New PC for Christmas? Here's the first step!

So you got a new computer for Christmas? Maybe someone decided you needed to finally join the computer age, or perhaps you whined sufficiently enough that they finally gave in. If you got a PC?..the first step---download and run this tool.
PC Decrapifier (www.pcdecrapifier.com). This tool is designed to remove all the ?promotional? software (i.e. crap) from your new laptop. Then you can start off with a nice squeaky clean PC.
You can thank me later.

Brian ?Geek? Matthews

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