Thursday, June 26, 2008
Top ten reasons why I wish I was turning 50 on Friday
10. It would make my physique make a lot more sense.
9. All the guys at the Moose lodge would be jealous of my wife who is 20 years younger than me.
8. I could finally rock the suspenders with the tape measure pattern.
7. I am ready to tell those kids to get off my lawn!!!
6. I think the word "Nifty" should be used more often.
5. I can finally dress up like the ghost of the salamander man and chase those meddeling kids out of the old gold mine.
4. Free subscription to AARP magazine!
3. No one would ask me to help them move furniture any more.
2. So I can show off my mad whitteling skillz!
1. If an assasin tried to kill me by aiming 2 inches below my left breast, he would hit my knee.
Brian "Crotchety" Matthews
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Thursday, June 12, 2008
Computer Graveyard
Some people collect spoons that hang on decorative shelves in their kitchens. Some people collect baseball cards they store in binders and display in wall frames.
Some people collect antiques that they display all over their houses. I collect computers. I store them in a room that my wife refers to as "The place where computers go to die."
The room is chock full of processing goodness. Monitors, keyboards, computer cases of all shapes and sizes. Hard to find computers. Easily found computers. All of which I have used at one time or another.
Often I use this graveyard as a resource for parts and pieces for other computers being used. But mostly, the graveyard stays silent.
This summer it all changes. We are doing some home remodeling and the graveyard is going away. At some point in the not too distant future I will be going through all my past motherboards, power supplies, network cards, thingamajigs, whatsamahoozits, etc.
I will load up the carcasses and find a way to give them a proper send off into their higher realm.
Think cremation would be against the fire ban?
Brian "May DOS be With you" Matthews
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Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Father's Day Tips
Father’s Day is quickly approaching. Did you forget what to get dear old dad for his day?I would recommend “Peace and quiet”. It’s cheap. He’s probably been screaming about it for years. “Why can’t I just get a little peace and quiet around here?”
Maybe get him something nice. After all those years of never being able to have anything nice. It’s time he knows he can bother.
Take dad for a drive. Let him kick the back of your seat while you drive. He just may enjoy that.
Let dad know that you know he doesn’t make the rules.
Wear a T-shirt that says, “Dad was right! No one said life was fair.”
When dad was your age, life was much harder. Possibly so difficult, it defies the laws of physics.
Encourage your dad to end every sentence that day with “Because I said so.”
Let dad turn this car around right now.
Make sure dad knows that a little hard work really didn’t hurt you or anyone else you know.
Pinch him and make sure he is indeed not made out of money.
Convey that one of your friends did indeed jump off a bridge and you did succeed in not following him.
Thank dad for not raising you in a barn, because you were obviously not born in one.
Give dad a hug and let him know that he and mom were not put on the Earth to clean up after you.
Walk it off. Rub it. Blow on it.
Don’t’ get smart with him.
Ask your mother.
Stop crying or he might give you something to cry about.
Eliminate peeps. He doesn’t want to hear a peep out of you.
Get dad some cake and tell him it will build character and possibly put hair on his chest.
Finally, let him know that you will take care of it. After all the lawn isn’t going to mow itself.
Then excuse yourself because you have something scheduled.
Ass. Bed. Now.
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Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Lu-ow!
It was great to see my friend LuAnn again after all these years. The biggest thing I learned from our visit--I'm pretty sure she could severly injur me if she really wanted to. I serious. Broken limbs, possibly a concussion, muliple contusions, and a handfull of pokes and bruises to round it out.
Thank you, Lu for not beating the snot out of me.
Brian "Black Belt in HTML" Matthews
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Deep thoughts shopping for bathroom stuff
My beautiful bride and I were window shopping at a local home improvement store recently. Specifically for our bathroom. We looked at tile, sinks, cabinets, and of course "water closets" i.e. toilets.
A number of the water closets had signs that read, "Virtually clog free! Can flush an entire bucket of golf balls." My immediate thought was "I don't care if it can flush a bucket of golf balls. Can it flush a medium size snake?"
I should really stick to shopping for flooring.
Brian "FORE!" Matthews
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Monday, June 2, 2008
Idea for Hooters--You can thank me later.
Great idea.
Hooters expands into the hiome Improvement industry---Call it "The Hooter Depot".
(Insert wood/nail/caulk jokes here)
Brian "Phillip's Head Screw" Matthews
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Lu!!!!!
My friend LuAnn made the trek from New Mexico to North Dakota, so I recently got to see her again.
I just read her account of our very brief visit and it got me thinking about another memory.
LuAnn had a motorcycle and invited me to ride with her to Bismarck from Dickinson.
The only problem....I didn't have any motorcycle riding clothes. In a few brief moments, I was ready wearing tan leather cowboy chaps, a German army coat, a helmet and goggles.
Anywhere off the bike, I looked like--I believe the technical term is "Goofus". Good times.
As I was mowing the lawn, I was reflecting on our visit---lawn mowing is the time I dedicate to deep thought.
I was trying to put a finger on the thing that was missing when Lu and I talked. That thing was anger. We weren't angry an anyone. Neither of us.
I have to say I'm very glad that the thing we had in common was a lack of anger towards anyone.
Angst was fun while it lasted. Excuse me, I need to go hug some strangers now.
Brian "Log" Matthews
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