Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Fortune Cookies
Some day I will get my dream job---fortune cookie author.
Here are a few I would have printed:
1. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
2. Inspected by Inspector # 12.
3. You live your life how you ride a mule.
4. Your lucky noun is “Wing nut”.
5. You will soon wish you had a mint.
6. Please remember to tip your server.
7. How you doing?
8. When attacked by a whale, be sure to use your thumbs.
9. Insert pole 3 into pole 5 and attach with bolt 22, nut 2 and washer 6. Next, attach coupler 14 to pole using bolt 5 with nut 87. (Be sure to have a partial diagram of an awning assembly).
10. You will soon find love, but it will be a guy named “Love Rodriguez” and he will be asking you to get out of the way.
Brian "Wise Acre” Matthews
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker
Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos
|
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Hit me with your best Shots!
School is starting soon which means it’s time to take the kids in for their booster shots. Thankfully the youngest two only have one shot each to get, but Mark has two coming at him. Thankfully he won’t be crying hysterically—I hope.
Brian "Vaccination Generation" Matthews
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker
|
Monday, July 28, 2008
MAN WAGON
As you may recall, I recently purchased a new vehicle. It’s not quite a car, but not quite an SUV. IT’s gets pretty good gas mileage, but can seat our entire clan. I liken it to a beefed up version of the Brady Bunch station wagon, which is why I refer to it as “The Man Wagon”. Unfortunately, I had already requested plates before I had my epiphany of calling it “The Man Wagon”, so I guess I won’t have the vanity plates that read “MANWAGN”.
Brian "REDSNKR" Matthews
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker
Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos
Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column
|
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Top 10 ways to know I secretly don’t like you.
Top 10 ways to know I secretly don’t like you.
10. I call you by a different name even if I know your real name. For example if your name is Richard, I may call you “Skippy”.
9. If I haven’t even bothered to learn your name, I will just call you “Skippy”
8. If your real name happens to be “Skippy” I will call you “Reginald”.
7. If I see you at the grocery store or the Wal-Mart, I lose all peripheral vision and not acknowledge you unless you are immediately in front of my face.
6. I will have a t-shirt made up with your face on it and wear it when I eat ribs or other messy finger foods.
5. You will read a classified in the paper about a missing dog who answers to the name “(insert your name here) is a turd”.
4. I will never make eye contact with you because I’m too busy looking at the chocolate milk stain on your shirt.
3. You keep receiving “Hot Stud” magazines along with a bill for your 10 year subscription.
2. You see a photo of yourself on posters for a benefit pancake breakfast to be held in your name to help offset your medical bills caused by your recent diagnosis of feline leukemia.
1. I befriend your mother and we decide to rename you “Skittles the Wonder Chimp”.
Brian "Passive-Aggressive" Matthews
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker
Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos
Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column
|
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The New Car Smell.....ish
As some of you may know, I jettisoned the truck in favor of what I call "The Man Wagon". It's not like the Brady Bunch woody station wagon. No! This one is husky like a bulldog and stylish like.....one of the guys from Queer Eye on a Straight guy show. Today I got the windows professionally tinted. I've seen way too many cars driving around with big bubbles in their purplish tint. Instead I have a nice dark tint even applied and dark enough to allow me to nap without an audience...if needed. The Man Wagon and I are still bonding.
|
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Advice to those entering college...
In college, I was a hairy guy. Long hair, often dyed various colors, often bearded. I had a style I call “Hobo-Chic” that was a mix of whatever I had and whatever was given to me by various people. I was not about appearances—I was about content. I was on the Dean’s list and active on many campus groups and clubs. I even managed to be one of the least-hated Resident Assistants working in the campus residence halls. Then one day I found out I was elected Homecoming King. I think it was due to my wild hair and jovial newspaper column that gave me name recognition along with a student body with a funny sense of humor. Anyway, I mention all of this because I just remembered something I over heard uttered by the president of the university at the time. He said, “We can’t market THAT!” It’s true---parents would not want to send their kids to a school where students are encouraged to be themselves, become involved in campus life, get an outstanding education, and make lots of friends. That would be horrible! Of course it is hard to get that across with a photograph and a small paragraph most people won’t read in a recruiting brochure. I understand that beauty sells and I was not “Sears Catalog” enough. In fact I would say Hot Topic might have asked me to tone it down a pinch.
So, incoming freshmen getting ready to matriculate your brains out, be aware that those beautiful people in the brochures you have are not the only people you will meet in college. You may meet some interesting people as well.
Brian "I matriculated once. Once. " Matthews
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker
Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos
Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column
|
Monday, July 21, 2008
More about ME!
It seems that I should be welcoming all the new readers. Welcome to one of my blogs!
Always polite, here’s a little about me:
1. My favorite movie is “The Breakfast Club”, my name is Brian and I do in fact like PB&Js with the crusts cut off.
2. I once sported a 3 foot-high blue Mohawk while on the dean’s list.
3. I cannot help but play “Air drums” during the drum solo in Phil Collin’s “In the Air tonight”.
4. I am intrigued by zip ties.
5. I have some gray hair and I don’t care because I at least have hair.
6. My sneakers have been embroidered to read “Red Sneaker” even though they are obviously a deep maroon.
7. When asked who I am voting for, I always answer “Ralph Nader” because someone has to.
8. I am a computer geek with degrees in art and English, which means I own an iPod.
9. I am blissfully married to Jennifer, who is an artist and the only person to know the one secret that keeps me from running for public office.
10. My children all know I am not to be listened to. When asked “Why can’t I stay up later tonight”, I may answer “Because the vampires will be out soon.”
11. I am the only person our cat likes. Everyone else get’s bitten.
12. I don’t like to eat any plant. It just fosters their grip on humanity. Especially those smug carrots!
13. I have a soft spot for tattoos…and hopefully some day that soft spot will be covered in skulls with roses in their mouths.
14. I like cheese.
15. I like warm cheese.
16. I am a huge fan of the TV show, “The Mole” and have been even through the awkward “Celebrity Mole” years. Thank you, makers of “The Mole” for not messing with the “Sauce”.
17. I can roll my tongue like Gene Simmon’s “Washing Machine”.
18. I like to call people I don’t like by the wrong name.
19. I have been blogging for over 10 years and it never gets old.
20. I am allergic to traditional deodorant. Thank goodness I don’t sweat much.
OK, now’s it’s your turn.
Brian "Me. Me. Me. " Matthews
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker
Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos
Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column
|
Monday, July 14, 2008
Once upon a time in college
Once upon a time in a land somewhat far away, I was in college. For me, college was a time of crazy nights, crazy hair and crazy clothes.
This photo is proof. |
Sunday, July 13, 2008
All about me
I have taken great pride in the fact that it takes quite a bit to offend me. It's true. Some would say it's due to my high level of self-actualization, while others would say that I just wasn't paying attention. Whatever the reason, I still am very proud of it.
For example, let's say that I may have held a high-ranking position in the Fact of Life fan club. Perhaps I was the Vice President in charge of Tootie. Now, if on the street a rendom stranger were to tell me that "That Tootie ain't nothin' but a mushroom cut and a smile", I would not be offended. How would he know about Kim Fields also being on Mork and Mindy, Diff'rent Strokes, and a touching episode of Kenan and Kel? He wouldn't! That's why I would not be offended.
Tootie! |
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Fireworks!
We are sparkler people. Sparklers, smoke bombs, and paper chickens that shoot flaming eggs. Those are the staples of our fireworks purchases.
Sure we venture out and get some daytime parachutes (one for each child) and even a paper tank that shoots silver fizzles. Last night, as the Matthews family walked around the brightly colored packages that sported names like “Big Boomers” and “Shock-a-lot”, Jen and I decide we need to have some sort of “Finale” to our little fireworks show for our little girls. After a little searching, we ended up with one explosive (at this size, I’m calling it officially an explosive) the size of an oatmeal canister. It had wild colors on it and a name like “Sasquatch on Fire”. I am intimidated by the “Flaming Yeti”. I may have to build a blast shield for my family so they can safely watch it discharge. I saw one other firework that was larger at the establishment, but with a name like “The Bunker Buster”, I figured I would need to get certified to use it. If I survive, I’ll tell you all about it!
Brian "Loch Ness BOOM!" Matthews
Follow me at http://www.twitter.com/redsneaker
Follow the Travels of the little Red Sneaker here: Flickr Photos
Check out my Columnhttp://redsneaker.net/column
|