Sitting on the ground My bottom grows very cold The Old Bridge Goes Boom
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Letter on our Front Door This Halloween
Thursday, October 23, 2008 |
To whom it may concern: Thank you for choosing the Matthews’ residence as part of your holiday experience. Unfortunately, we can not offer you the remuneration you are here to collect. Please understand that we do have the required sugary treats you are looking for, but we are understaffed and can no longer offer this service. We are sure you understand with the unstable stock market, we have not been able to retain the proper talent for the position in the distribution department. This is disappointing for all involved parties. The procurement department has been able to obtain several amenities specific to this celebration, but without the proper distribution chain, we could not guarantee the high level of quality you have come to expect from the Matthews’ residence. In the spirit of the season, please feel free to patronize other regional establishments in hopes of finding the prepackaged goodness you desire. Sincerest thanks
As many of you know, I am something of an oracle. A soothsayer, if you will. I can’t see the future, but I can state the obvious or take a pretty good guess. So here’s my prediction of the upcoming election.
1. Pomeroy will win because if you have the last name “Pomeroy”, “Dorgan”, “Conrad”,or “Burdick”. If I ever ran for any elected position in North Dakota, I am certain that if someone with the name “Byron Conrad Burdick” ran for any office in North Dakota, he (or she) would win instantly. They may even cancel the election because it’s a no-brainer. 2. Hoeven will win because of the old adage—“If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” North Dakotans are primarily a very sensible bunch. They know what works and if it works, leave it alone. Unless Hoeven goes off the deep end in the next 4 days, I think he has this thing wrapped up like chalupa. 3. Superintendent of Public Instruction—Wayne Sanstead. Do I need to repeat the “If it ain’t broke” policy? I’ve lived in North Dakota my entire life and if you are running against Wayne Sanstead, be prepared to lose. I’m fairly sure if I named my cat “Wayne Sanstead” she would be at least nominated for some office next year. 4. Insurance Commissioner—Adam Hamm. Why? I am imagining hundreds of little cafes in little towns scattered throughout the Dakota prairie where you will hear this phrase, ”That Jasper guy looks like he’s in first grade.” I’m not saying it’s right, but I think he would have had a better shot by growing some facial hair prior to the election and changing his name to “Ed”. 5. Any office where there is only one candidate—congratulations! You have already won! No one else wants that job and, to be honest, we, as citizens, are happy that you are willing to take it.
There are my predictions. Now let’s see how I do when the real results come in.
Old TV shows that should be updated and run again.
The Brady Bunch, only this group will live in LA. The family would be a husband and a wife who had three children together, but then separated, live in the same house, but the wife got a girlfriend and the husband got a girlfriend too. Each of them also has kids to bring to the house. All in all, there could be 6 kids, 4 adults, and Alice would be the nanny/surrogate mother.
Gilligan’s Island, only use real people, strand them on a desert island and give them all cameras to document their journey. As a twist, the skipper could be an insider who can purposely foul up things like destroying shelter and food. Maybe even push Gilligan into a group of hungry crabs.
Lost in Space, only take an Amish family and put them in “Tomorrowland”. Watch as the fun ensues.
All in the Family, only instead of having a bigoted Archie, make him intolerant of technology and have his next door neighbor be Bill Gates.
ALF, only this time istead of a puppet alien from Melmac, make the alien computer generated. Instead of eating cats, he would prefer to illegally download music and cover himself with canola oil.
What are three adjectives that sum you up? I would have to say aufgeschlossen, frog-like, and akai sunikaa
What is the most interesting part of your job? This really depends upon your specific definition of “Interesting”. If interesting is a way of saying “unusual” then I would say “Velcro”. If you meant a more metaphysical definition, then I would have to meditate and possibly have my aura read. If you mean, “interesting” in the same way the Druids thought of the word, then I would say, “Only after a big meal.”
What is your typical work day like? Nothing about me is typical, so I’m afraid that I cannot really answer the question, but when it comes to topics like “Mr. Potatohead” or “Elephants”, then I would have to say, “Very interesting. I would like to hear more.”
What about you would most people find surprising? I sleep in a giant cake so every morning I can jump out of it. Kind of like a bachelor party every morning for the cat.
What's your favorite day of the week, and why? I don’t really have a favorite, but I can tell you that Thursday and I have had a long-standing feud. I don’t know if we will ever patch things up.
Brian "An enigma wrapped in a mystery, covered in enchilada sauce.” Matthews
I dug this old template out of the spiderwebs and thought---hey, this was pretty good. So the old Red Sneaker is back!!! Don’t rub your eyes or stop drinking the cough syrup. It really is the old site. Layout. There are a few changes and I hope to tweak them as time goes by, but for now, I’m kinda enjoying the old site. Excuse me…I need to take my shoes off now.
Check out BisMan Photo
